My wife and I subject each other to a lot of second hand noise.

As Gail sits in the living room knitting, she deals with the background noise drifting up from my basement woodshop. She also has to deal with my scream of testosterone-induced rage as I don one of my Old Man sweaters, stand at the front door shaking me fist, and yell at the neighborhood kids to “STAY OFF MY YARD!!!” Probably once or twice a year she has to tolerate the sickening sound of the bitchslaps I put on the migratory mime troupe that comes through on their way up to Mackinac Island. (I call this event Silent Scream.)

The second hand noise I tolerate isn’t quite as offensive. Let’s face it…Gail’s knitting isn’t very loud. However, each morning as I sit with my laptop in the dining room desperately trying to feed all of my Webkinz before I start my day, I am forced to listen to the cable news show Gail religiously watches. It’s not just the perky talking heads that I have to hear…it’s the commercials from hell, too.

I first heard this commercial yesterday, and my brain semi-consciously registered a What the $@#%????? However, this morning the replaying of this commercial solidly lodged in the conscious part of my brain and chiseled out a ledge where it has painted a sign that calls it out as one of the nuttiest things I have ever heard seriously marketed.

(Pleases note the “…” in the title below creates a pregnant pause of almost a second and a half from the voiceover actor as he narrates the television commercial).

The Most Relaxing Classical Album in the World...Ever!

Honestly, it’s a real title. You can get it here.

Wow, there are a lot of unsubstantiated statements in that title. Well, it’s my belief they are unsubstantiated. Perhaps there are competitions among albums to see which is most relaxing.

They get really bubbly waitress types, pump them full of ephedrine and caffeine, then strap them into La-Z-Boy’s and force them to listen to music through headphones. Whichever album creates the largest total reduction in heart rate, respiration, and certain non-essential brain waves is considered to be the Most Relaxing Album. Obviously, competition among Classical albums is more intense than in the EuroTechno or ThrashMetal categories. In fact, the Classical competition is the main event; those ringside seats command Super Bowl ticket prices from scalpers.

I still have questions. Does one competition really determine the winner for the ENTIRE world as indicated by this album’s title? What if there is an unheralded classical album making the rounds in a village outside New Delhi that is putting people to sleep left and right?

Finally, I am skeptical of the use of the word “Ever.” Does the word “ever” in this title mean “from the beginning of man up to this point in time” or does it imply all future time as well? Even if it is possible to gather all of the music that has come before and rank it for relaxation value, it is not possible to know something won’t come along next Thursday that will make narcoleptics of all of us.

You know what…I just realized I am probably not the right guy to be complaining about sweeping generalizations like ones used in the title of this album. After all, am I not the guy that Chris Schwarz links to with the subtitle, “Is Jeff Skiver the funniest woodworker ever? Yes. Yes, he is.”

I suppose I should just be happy Chris chose to accentuate my sense of humor as opposed to my ability to put the smack down on non-verbal artists.

(Photo courtesy of DesMoinesArtsFestival.org)

The Des Moines Arts Festival, rated among the Top 5 in the U.S., celebrates it 10th year in 2007. Featured will be over 150 premier juried artists and 24 “emerging” artists from the state of Iowa. Artists will exhibit in 14 categories, including wood, metalworks, and sculpture.

I think this is the second year that the festival will be located in Des Moines’ new Gateway Park, just down the street from the August Home Publishing offices. I’m excited about attending this year and so I’ve spent a few hours looking through the galleries of all the artists that will attend. I always get a lot of inspiration for my woodworking hobby from shows like this, and I’ll even go through a phase occasionally where I’ll work only on boxes or chairs for a period of time after I see something I like at a show.

For the last several years the Des Moines Arts Festival has attracted over 200,000 people and it’s also become a great place for young artists, like Matthew Obbink (whose tables are featured in the photo at the top of the page), an Iowa State University student competing in the Emerging Iowa Artists Program category.

Here’s something you’ll want to put on your calendar. PBS will be airing a show entitled, “Craft in America: A Journey to the Artists, Origins, and Techniques of American Craft.” It will air in three episodes beginning on May 30. The most notable artist to be featured—as far as woodworkers are concerned—is Sam Maloof. You can see a list of other artists to be featured here. The web site has a cool virtual exhibit that will show you some of the work of the artisans.

To find out when Craft in America airs in your local area, click here.