If you find there is any copyright abuse, contact us as soon as possible, thanks.
Podcast #25: Using Hand Planes & Scrapers for a Smooth Finish
00/00/0000, 00:00 | WoodworkingONLINE.comThis week, Dennis Perkins, assistant editor for Woodsmith and ShopNotes, is going to give us some pointers on using hand planes and scrapers for a smooth finish. He’ll also spend some time showing us how he likes to sharpen his scrapers during this week’s Woodsmith Woodworking Seminar Podcast.
As usual, all of the links to articles, seminar guides, and products that you’ll see being used during the seminar podcast can be found at the Woodsmith Podcast Store.
Blog Series Browsing Made Easy
00/00/0000, 00:00 | LumberJocks.com :: woodworking showcaseDid you ever wonder how many blog series have been started by LumberJocks? Now you can find the exact answer by going directly to our brand new blog series listing. And there is more… you can browse our wonderful world of blog series by the following sorting criteria:
- recently updated
- most entries
- most read
- most discussed
This means that each blog series has additional unique details: total number of reads and comments as well as recently updated info. Did you know that 'This Old Crack House' by Dusty has more than 38,000 reads total? Stunning!
In addition to this upgrade, I also added ”Read Before Posting” text to each new post screen (new project, blog entry etc.). Hopefully it will help us keep LumberJocks.com a unique and well organized resource for everyone.
And now… go browsing those blog series ha!
Episode 2 - Shop Safety. Making a Push Stick
00/00/0000, 00:00 | T Chisel - The Rough Cut Show!Woodshop Safety for Kids
00/00/0000, 00:00 | Woodworkers ResourceIn talking with some of my woodworking friends on this subject, I learned that most were not comfortable with kids being in their shops because of safety concerns. Granted, there are extra precautions that must be taken when kids are present, but don't let this keep you from introducing woodworking to your kids, grandchildren, or even the kids up the street. And if you're a parent or grandparent who doesn't have a lot of knowledge around woodworking, but your kids have an interest, don't let fear of them getting hurt keep you from teaching them.
It is up to us as adult woodworkers to pass our knowledge down to those that show interest. If we don't, who will? Our schools? Doubtful. Find a child to nurture and teach what you know. Don't be afraid to let them in because they "might" get hurt. How did you learn?
Here are somethings to keep in mind when working with kids in your shop:
- Make sure all your power tools are unplugged. That way you don't have to worry about it.
- Make sure that all the blades on your power tools are covered or lowered so they're not exposed to little fingers.
- Stick to hand tools in the beginning no matter how old the kids are. They need this foundation anyway.
- Don't leave your kids unsupervised in the shop no matter how comfortable you are with their knowledge, maturity level, or skill. Accidents can and will happen.
- Using hand tools like hand saws can wear kids out quickly. Watch for this, step-in and help out during these times. When kids (and adults) get tired, mistakes are more likely to occur.
- With that last point being said, however; don't do all the work for kids just because YOU CAN! Let them do the work they can, and be willing to let them make mistakes on their own. This one is tough for us parents, trust me, I know.
- First and foremost, make it fun for them! Let them have some say into what they build. There are only so many bird houses a kid can make.
The video that we shot on shop safety for kids is not all encompassing, not even close. But, it will give you some good points to help you get started. My hope for this video is take it will make you more comfortable with having kids in your shop and for your kids to have a good and safe time with you.
If you have any questions or comments about the video after you've viewed it, just send us an email at:
contactus@woodworkersresource.com
And for more information on woodworking whether you're 7 or 70, go to our website at:
www.WoodworkersResource.com
Enjoy!
Craig Stevens
Drill Press Table Upgrade
00/00/0000, 00:00 | WoodworkingONLINE.comYou can sharpen your woodworking skills with helpful tips and techniques from the editors of Woodsmith and ShopNotes magazines. Get a FREE tip sent to your email address each week! Go to WoodworkingTips.com and sign up today.
Here’s last week’s tip from ShopNotes online editor Phil Huber:

I wanted to add an auxiliary table and fence to my drill press. But I didn’t want to spend a lot of money. So I built the simple drill press table and fence with a replaceable insert you see in the photo above. The fence is adjustable and has a sliding stop.
Table
The table is two layers of ¾″ plywood that are glued together. A dado on the top side at each end holds T-tracks for attaching the fence. Two bottom-mounted T-tracks attach the table to the drill press, as you can see in detail ‘b’ and the photo at right.
Fence
The fence is nothing more than a length of aluminum angle. A slotted hole at each end accepts a flange bolt from the table so you can quickly mount and adjust the fence to meet almost any drilling challenge.
Stop Block
To help position and hold the workpiece, I added a stop block to the fence. It’s simply a block of wood attached to an aluminum bracket. A knob and T-nut, are used for adjusting the block and securing it in position on the fence (detail ‘a’).
Good Woodworking,
Phil Huber
Online Editor, ShopNotes
Episode 66 - Bombe Secretary - Pediment Fret Waist
00/00/0000, 00:00 | T Chisel - The Rough Cut Show!Going Nationwide: The Woodsmith Shop TV Show
00/00/0000, 00:00 | WoodworkingONLINE.comIf you’re a subscriber to Woodsmith or ShopNotes magazine, or live in the state of Iowa, you probably already know that we’ve been busy around here. We’ve been working hard on a new TV show that has been airing on public television (PBS) stations in Iowa and will soon be available nationally in December.
The Woodsmith Shop is unlike any other woodworking show you’ve seen. It’s the first one to be filmed and produced (by Iowa Public Television) in High Definition. That means the picture quality is unsurpassed. You’ll see all the details of the tips and techniques we talk about on the show.
Second, The Woodsmith Shop isn’t a project-based show. What I mean is we’ll spend an entire episode talking about a particular woodworking joint, tool, or technique instead of building a project. That means you’ll get more detail about woodworking than you’ll find on any other show. And you’ll have the opportunity to download project plans and articles from our web site that are related to the show’s content.
We’ve been getting a lot of positive feedback so far from those that have seen the show. And a lot of folks nationwide are anxious to take a look. Now is the time to take a minute to email or call your local public television station and tell them you heard about The Woodsmith Shop and want to see it in your area. This link will take you to the show’s web site where you can find out if the show is airing in your area. You’ll also get a list of PBS stations in your area and a contact link for each station.
Let us know what you think of the show.
Directory - April 08 Posted
03/25/2008, 23:00 | DMWA Club NewsThe Guitar Shop
11/29/2006, 08:07 | The Wood ShopPhoto Courtesy of PhatTone Electronics
Italian Olive Wood Rings
00/00/0000, 00:00 | Wooden Rings from Touch Wood RingsKatherine's ring is blue spruce and incorporates their olive wood as an inlaid band. Nate's ring is solid olive wood.
Dear Nicola and David,
The rings arrived and we couldn't be more pleased. They fit perfectly and are exactly what we wanted. Thank you both so much for your efforts. And thank you for providing such a beautiful alternative to traditional wedding rings. We just can't say enough good things...
Thank you.
Best wishes,
Katherine and Nathaniel
Episode 26 - Bombe Series - Gluing the Divider
00/00/0000, 00:00 | T Chisel - The Rough Cut Show!Rosewood friends
00/00/0000, 00:00 | Wooden Rings from Touch Wood RingsSince we both make a living with our hands, we are having a friend weave hemp necklaces for us to put the rings on while we are at work so now we are searching for some nice wood beads to put in the necklace. We would like to thank you, not only for all your time, effort and love that you put into this process, but also for being the beautiful people you are and for providing people with such a fantastic way to symbolize their commitment and love.
Words cannot express how much I have enjoyed this process starting from the moment I found your website and instantly knew I was in the right place. You will always be in our hearts."
Episode 32 - Fine Furnishings & Fine Craft Show: Part One
00/00/0000, 00:00 | T Chisel - The Rough Cut Show!Osage Orange Plane
04/09/2008, 00:30 | The Village Carpenter
People have written me asking for more information about the little osage orange plane in the side bar, so here are some images and measurements in case you would like to make one yourself.Body: 4.5" long ? 2" high ? 1.125" wide
Opening: .84375" wide (13.5/15")
Wedge: 2.625" long ? .8125" (13/15") wide ? 12 degre
e bevel to fitBlade: 3.625" long ? .8125" wide ? .125" thick
Bed Angles:
45 degree bed ? 57 deg
ree shoulder (the portion of the sides that hold the wedge in place) ? 52 degree
front bedThe plane is one piece of wood, so the most difficult part is chiseling out the wood inside the opening and being careful to ensure that the bed is perfectly flat. Layout your angles on the outside of your workpiece and transfer the angles across the top, down the other side, and on the plane's sole. Then, just keep an eye on your progress to make sure you maintain those angles as you chisel out the opening.
Other woods that make good planes are applewood, maple, bloodwood, cocobolo, and many
other dense hardwoods.Growth ring orientation, according to David Finck, author of Making & Mastering Wood Planes, is unimportant.
Teak Antique Pergola (Joglo) Kudus
06/04/2007, 05:44 | Antique Knockdown Carved Wood House
Joglo is a skeleton of the main building of the traditional house of Kudus.
Joglo is constructed with Soko Guru that formed as four main pillars and its nine stacks (pengeret tumpang songo) or five stacks (tumpang lima) or three stacks (tumpang telu) on the top.
The function of joglo structure except as the main support of the house, also use as support to where the roof lying on and in order to get the Pencu style roof (the towering roof)
Recently, joglo can be applicated as :* Decorating of the house yard
* Support of the roof to get Pencu style.
* Placed in the edge of the pools as a relaxing place
* Placed in the house yard or garden
* Placed in the backyard or terrace at the back house
* Garage or as a roof protection of a car
* Soko Guru or support of pendopo
Union Village Blanket Box
03/28/2008, 00:04 | Lost Art Press Blog
The Union Village Shaker community is about an hour north of my home in Fort Mitchell, Ky., but it doesn?t figure large in the world of Shaker furniture like the eastern Shaker communities do.
Union Village was the first and largest Shaker community west of the Allegheny Mountains, and it was the parent community for the western Shaker communities in Ohio, Kentucky, Indiana and Georgia.
Founded in 1805, more than 4,000 Shakers lived at Union Village during its peak and they were known for selling herbal medicines, seeds and brooms. The community declined until it was sold in 1912. The site is now a retirement community in Warren County, Ohio.
One of the artifacts remaining from the village is a walnut blanket box with fine lines and tight dovetails. The box is similar in form to many Shaker chests that are extant, but this one has always been a favorite.
I chose to adapt this design because it highlights the advantages of my preferred chest-building method. The fine bit of transition moulding around the plinth is easy to accomplish with this traditional construction technique.
While I retained the proportions and lines of the Union Village original, I used finger joints instead of dovetails. And I used figured maple instead of walnut. These two alterations give the box a contemporary feel.
Statistics:
Dimensions: 21-3/8? high x 38-1/2? long x 18-1/4? deep
Materials: Tiger maple exterior; poplar interior parts
Finish: Custom blend of oil, varnish and linseed oil.
Construction Details: All surfaces are handplaned using traditional techniques. Plinth and box are joined using entirely traditional joinery methods. All the hardware is iron with traditional pyramid-head screws.
? Christopher Schwarz
New Things at Clark & Williams
10/24/2005, 15:06 | Traditional Tools & NewsApril Newsletter Posted
03/28/2008, 23:00 | DMWA Club NewsThe Pecking Order
00/00/0000, 00:00 | Woodworking blog Woodworking Magazine
So today I get a copy of the WoodWorker's
Book Club bulletin and it lists the "Top 50 Member Favorites." I eagerly flipped
through to see if my book on workbenches made the list.
It did. It was No. 30.
I was quite pleased by this bit of news. It was good to be on the same list as Taunton's
"Complete Illustrated Guides" (at No. 1), Kerry Pierce's "Pleasant
Hill Shaker Furniture" (No. 2) and Jim Tolpin's "Measure
Twice, Cut Once" (No. 3, and one of my favorite woodworking books).
But my moment of glee was quickly flung into the dirty litterbox when I saw what aced
me out at No 28: "Black & Decker's 24 Weekend Projects for Pets."
That put my tail between my legs. Time to go home and start writing that birdhouse
book I've had on the back burner.
— Christopher Schwarz
Teak Antique Pendopo Kudus
06/04/2007, 05:45 | Antique Knockdown Carved Wood House
A complete Java traditional house will have a pendopo in the front yard. Pendopo is an open large house or hall without any wall or door that usually placed in the front of the main building.The opening building of pendopo reflected characters like wideopen, friendly and generously character, which always welcome to the guess everytime.
Pendopo has four directions of carved pillars (soko guru) with 12 (twelve) second pillars (soko penanggap) on the right and left side and 20 (twenty) third pillars (soko penitih) on its sorrounding.
Therefore, even the building looks not so high, but give the impression of "momot" which means capable to path everything, because of its wide roof also there is nothing inside the building hence represent the basic of opening
It match with the function of pendopo that always located in front yard as a place to held official meeting, art show, or traditional ceremony, also to accept honourable guess and official guess in the huge amount.
It made pendopo fabulous and great. Beside that, pendopo can be used as a place to give courses of karawitan and dance.Episode 41 - Ask the Masters 01
00/00/0000, 00:00 | T Chisel - The Rough Cut Show!Building the Woodshop: Part VII - Framing the Roof
03/03/2008, 03:48 | Norse WoodsmithTheidea is simple enough - all you really want isto shed water and hold heat in, right?
When I wasdesigning theshop, Iinvestigated several different methods for constructing a roof. First wasmanufactured trusses... I ruled those out because I knew I wouldn't be able to place them myself.Another option was to usewood I-beams... This was a really tempting option, and now that I'vefinished, this is the route I would take today, if I were to do it over again. Finally, I looked atdoing it "old school" - with honest to God 2x10 rafters.
I didn't have any real reason for going that way except so I could say I did... a bit of a romantic notion, I think, of older methods. I hadn't built anything with rafters for a while and was itching to try out my new Milwaukee circular saw, which I treated myself to as part of my savings for doing all the work myself. My old saw has been dropped one too many times, and while it still works, it's just a little "shook".
The beauty of havinga cad program is the ability to draw out and measureeach cut accurately in the ether that is the computer. Once upon a time, I actually knew how to use the rafter tables on the side of the framing square, but lack of use has sent those memories into their own ether. My final plan was pretty simple:
In order to picture the individual members of the roof better, here's a perspective view:
The collar tie keeps the two sides of the roof from spreading - and the v-shape ties the center of the collar tie to the rafters so drywall can be hung off of it's bottom without sagging in the center. According to the rafter span tables, it could be done - so long as the wood for all of themembers was #2 and better Hem/Fir, a common grade/species out here. I started by crowning the lumber - marking the high point ofany curve on the lumber, sowhen you cut the rafters you can place the curve up.Then it waslaying out and cuttingthe rafters for the lean-to portion of the roof and setting them in place one at a time:
Onemain difficulty was going to be the rafters over the main portion of the building. First, I looked into some scaffolding, but that was going to push the budget too much, which was already strained from the extra costs incurred because of the foundation. So - I bought some 1x4, took some 2x4's I had extra, and built my own using spare 2x10's for the planks. It's not something I would recommend for anyone - and it's certainly not an approved method, but it got the job done for me.
Now that I had scaffolding (of sorts) the big trick was going to be setting the initial rafters. The building is 36 feet deep, and the longest 2x12's I could get to use as a ridge beam were 16' long - which is 4 feet short, as you can see in this photo:
The scaffoldingwas actually much more stable than it looked, fortunately. One of the main objectives was for the design of the roof to be completely build-able by one person - which I'm proud to say I accomplished - but it wasn't without a bit of a struggle. This is where the struggle came in... I had a pocket built into the wall to hold one end of the ridge beam, and I thought I would just use a board to prop up the end of the ridge beam. Works well in theory, but not so much in practice. I wouldprop up the ridge beam, pick up the rafters which would slide off of the wall atjust the moment I was ready to nail them.So, Iplaced a clamp on the bottom of the rafter to stop it from sliding. On my next attempt, theprop I was using would get in my way - I could put one side up, butwithoutthe opposite rafter to push on it from the other side, it wouldn't stay in place.
I ended up balancing the ridge beam on my shoulder and picking up the ends of each rafter, all the while holding a pneumatic nailer in my right hand. Once I got all three into place, a quick shot from the nailer on each side was enough to hold it up while I finished nailing it.
Whew! That was enough to get me going. Fortunately, my building skills hadn't completely evaporated from disuse, and the two ridge beams lined up with each other perfectly - though they were about 1" further apart than they should have been. To pull them together, I looped a 1/4" nylon rope between the two peaks and using a board, I wound the rope like a rubber band, pulling the two ends together. When they were the correct distance,I nailed an 8' long2x2 centered on the opening on the bottom of the two ridge beams spanning the distance. From there, it was just placing the remaining length of 2x12 ridge beam between.
Lots of people asked me if that was safe - how can you have a ridge beam that is essentially three pieces? Truth is, the beam isn't structural. If you wanted, you could nail the rafter to each other without a ridge beam - it's only real function is to give you something to make aligning and nailing the rafters up easier.
With the rafters in place, I built a base for the cupola - which is a fully function vent. I'll build the frame of the cupola on the ground and place it later in the process...
Finally, the roof was taking shape. Here's an interior shot with all of the rafters up and in place - notice I haven't put the gussets onto the web and collar tie yet - that's something that can be saved for later work, as for now my main focus is to get the roof on and have it shedding water before the rain season sets in.
One thing I love about where I live is there are definite seasons - and one notable part is their predictability. From after the 4th of July until mid-September, one can count on very few rainy days. But there's also a fair amount of heat... and it was the second week of august, traditionally the hottest part of the year. Something about working on a roof -it either happens mid-winter, or mid-summer - when the weather is at it's extremes for hot or cold... I guess I should just be happy I for the lack of rain...
Next up was the sub-fascia andthe lookouts for the overhangs on the gable ends, shown here shortly after the front was complete:
An important note here - the insulation I will be using in between the rafters is going to be about 8 inches thick or so, a "high-density" R-30 fiberglass batt. It's important that there be a least a 1" to 1-/2" air space above that insulation to allow for air to travel from the soffit to the peak of the roof in each and every rafter space. The "ladder" that holds up the fascia at the gable ends will effectively block that air from traveling up on the far ends. To compensate for this, I drilled holes into the ladders that will allow ventilation... I don't have a photo that describes it well, so here's a graphic representation that also allows you to see how the gable end is constructed:
On the back side of the shop, I want to have an overhang to keep things out of the weather, so that means framing up a roof over that area. Staying with the common rafter idea, I first built the header that would run the perimeter of the overhang:
Because the mainroof would tie into the roof of the overhang, this needed to be done before sheathing. The beam is a pair of 2x6's with a layer of 1/2" plywood sandwiched between them. The rafters themselves are also 2x6, with a hip on each corner:
There is an interesting corner that I need to deal with right where the hip on the right side in the photo above meets the main roof - which I don't think I did as well as I should have. I thought and thought about it, and in the end decided I was thinking too much and just built the thing - in the end I think I should have thought about it more, but time was getting more precious. Something I haven't brought up before was during all of this, I was also the primary caregiver for my dad, who had Alzheimer's that was getting more severe daily it seemed... Up to this point in the construction, I had been able to spend an hour or two at a time working on the shop without checking on him, but that was getting tougher to do. But I will get more into that in the next installment...
Once all the work was complete with the rafters, I could take apart the "scaffolding" and re-assemble it onto the east side of the shop for the next phase of construction, sheathing and roofing:
Which was good, because August was now half over and I wanted to get the roof on by or shortly after Labor Day to avoid the rains - and Labor Day was only a couple weeks away.
Look forthe next installment of this series - Roofing -coming soon!
Episode 78 - Bombe Secretary - Prospect Door
00/00/0000, 00:00 | T Chisel - The Rough Cut Show!One of America's Best?
04/18/2008, 13:28 | Arts & Mysteries with Adam Cherubini - Blog
| | Early American Life magazine honored me by including me in the 2008 Directory of Traditional American Craftsmen. I also snuck past the judges in 2005. The name of the directory has changed since then. Before it was top 200 traditional craftsmen. But the poster I got reads "Selected one of America's Best" |
I'm proud of being included. And I'm pleased a panel of pretty distinguished judges decided against voting me off the island. But I find this a difficult subject to speak about. Not only am I not one of America's best craftsmen, traditional or otherwise, I don't really even think that's what the competition is about.
When I think of a top craftsman, I, perhaps shockingly, think of Norm Abram. He's someone who I imagine can saw a straight line, make a tight fitting joint, and have little scrap at the end of a project. To judge my craftsmanship, you'd have to see me work, see how I use my tools. Am I hard on them? (I'm not) Am I consistent and neat? (I'm not). I've seen many good craftsmen in my time. I'm related to several, especially my brother Steve. Steve is the kind of guy for whom tools simply work better. A dull knife just cuts better in his hands. Steve used to cut my hair (when I had hair). Didn't matter what the job was. Emergency appendectomy? I think Steve could do it. To me, tool use is what craftsmanship is all about.
As woodworkers, we tend to think of ourselves in terms of the work we do, not the work we produce. We identify ourselves not with our products, but with the material we work, or the processes we use to work it. There are hand tool people and machine people, and some who are a little of both.
I sent Early American Life digital images of my furniture. There may have been a shot that showed dovetails, but there was no way to know whether my mortise and tenons were capable of reacting load. I was judged the way the world judges us all; based on the outward appearance of my work. I was judged based on my ability to execute an 18th c esthetic, or someone's idea of an 18th c esthetic.
What people see when they look at our work isn't how much wood we wasted or how tight our joints are. They see artwork. They respond to the color, shape, details, or hardware choice, all things we never talk about. Few of us have any experience or education to guide us in these matters. Yet we happily sift through woodworking articles in hopes of finding a few helpful tips. Are they tips about how to be successful as a woodworker? How to make things people will cherish and value? Some authors or magazines try and we disparagingly call them artsy fartsy and go back to Schwarz' drill press review.
This year, I'm going to have a close look at what I think it means to make great stuff. And I'll share with you how and exactly why I'm not One of America's Best.
Adam
Versa-Clamp is a Handy Shop Tool
00/00/0000, 00:00 | WoodworkingONLINE.com

I remember about a year or so ago, Tony Schrank called me. His uncle had patented a new type of clamping system called the VersaClamp™. Tony and his brother designed it for manufacturing. I had him send me one to take a look at. I recall at the time that it was unique in its ability to transform from a clamp to a vise with the addition of a couple of brackets you can mount to your bench.
Since that time, Tony has licensed the VersaClamp to PennTek Tools for manufacturing. (I wrote about PennTek Tools in this post.)
Here are some of the key features of the VersaClamp:
- Cam Locking Feature is easily activated with the Easy-Grip Handle and locks the work piece in place with up to 400 pounds of force
- Power of the clamp is not limited by the hand strength of the user
- Handle has multiple positions and pivots out of the way as needed
- When mounted as a vise, jaws turn to work at any angle
- Soft, non-marring jaws firmly hold the work piece
- Available in 12”, 20”, 36 and 48” openings – comes with mounting brackets and hardware
- Patented Cam Locking System
- Made in the USA
- Limited Lifetime Warranty
You can order the VersaClamp from Garrett Wade, Woodcraft, or directly from the VersaClamp web site.
A Few More Thoughts on Shop Vacs
04/09/2008, 02:57 | Matt's Basement Workshop PodcastSo since we're already in the neighborhood talking about Shop Vacs I had a few more thoughts I decided I would share with you.
This time my thoughts on Shop Vacs are a lot more positive than in the last episode and I have a few ideas about what to look for in a good Shop Vac. Some are pretty obvious and others might seem frivalous but I think they're important to me.
While I don't think Shop Vacs are good for a central dust collection system I do think they have an important role in the workshop.
For anyone interested, coming up on April 11 & 12, 2008 there's a great little tool demo and woodworking school openhouse going on at J. Miller Handcrafted Furniture in Chicago. The details can be found at Lie-Nielsen. There will be some great demos by a number of well known woodworkers and I'm planning on checking it out myself.
For comments, questions and schwag entries drop me a line at mattsbasementworkshop@gmail.com.
Listen to today's show by clicking on the player below
Water Stones, Oil Stones, or Scary Sharp...How Does Cupid Sharpen His Arrows?
00/00/0000, 00:00 | Skiving OffI don’t like cut flowers. Flowers don’t do anything for me. I do know that they work. I understand the pheromone rush they ignite in women, but they sort of kick off the opposite reaction in me. I truly don’t like the smell of flowers. I have tried to explain to my wife, Gail, that flowers affect my nose and almost create a tingling/burning reaction. (I think they negatively impact my allergies).
However, I am not anti-flower. For me, I think flowers are a lot like colonoscopies. I don’t personally like them, but I’m glad mankind has them around for the people who want and need them.
In years past I would do the roses thing. I think the only flowers I provided to old girlfriends were roses. However, when I met Gail it somehow came out that roses just weren’t her thing. So, for the last 11.75 years, I have not purchased roses. Instead, I just call the florist and say something like this, “Give me something nice between $75 and $100. You guys are professionals so I’m going to defer to your expertise.” I can tell you without question…this technique works.
Earlier this week Gail achieved a personal goal. (She made it 24 hours sober.) So I decided to send her flowers yesterday. I called the florist and quoted a dollar amount, and had them write the following item on the card, “This has nothing to do with Valentine’s Day. This is because I am proud of you. Love, Jeff.” The lady took the credit card information, and then she said, “Would you like to go ahead and set something up for Valentine’s Day?” I responded, “Despite what the card said, this is going to cover Valentine’s Day, too.”
Gail works in a Doctors’ Office. The nursing staff is comprised of all women. The physician Gail works for is female. So I know that when I send Gail flowers, I am putting myself up there on the pedestal so that Gail can say, “Y’all lookee here at what my man did!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Let me also say this…I really love women. If Gail was 1/100th the flirt that I am, we’d be divorced in a week. So it is my goal to always be the guy that Gail’s friends compare their husbands to. It’s just my sick and twisted, spotlight-hogging personality that I want all hot chicks on the planet to think that I am the greatest guy in the universe. (I am always working on back up plans in case something happens to Gail...) At Gail’s office the flowers went over BIG.
Gail didn’t bring them home yesterday. She will leave them at work this week so she can enjoy them (and so they continue to get shown off to her coworkers). She emailed me this morning and said that when she walked in the office she could smell them when she was in the hall around the corner from her desk. I emailed back, “So you’re saying your entire office smells like a funeral home????” I am glad the flowers aren’t coming home yet. I really do hate the smell of flowers.
However, this afternoon it hit me. I finally figured out what flowers truly mean to women. It’s something like this….
I’m coming back to the office after lunch and the Woodcraft van is sitting in the parking lot. Oooohhh…somebody’s gettin’ a present!!!!! I go back to my desk and sit down thinking about who in the office is dating someone new, or who has an anniversary, or who may have learned some new X-rated move. Suddenly, the phone rings and I answer to find the receptionist asking me to come up to the front desk. I get that little flutter in my belly, and I head toward the front. As I round the corner, I can see the brown cardboard box with the Lie-Nielsen logo. It’s a BIG box!!!!!!!! The receptionist is smiling and she tells me that I have a present. The box is about 10 pounds, and when I flip it open I find a Jointer plane. It’s the Big One. It’s the #8. Also, it has the optional Cocobolo Handles. I open the card and read, “Just because I love you….G.”
Rather than put it back in the box, I cut open the blue anti-rust plastic and pull it out. I sort of embellish it with the packing paper (my version of wrapping it in swaddling clothes) and I take it back to my desk where I set it up on top of my overhead bin. In a steady stream every guy in the office comes by to look at my Jointer Plane and tell me how beautiful it is. They take it down and sweep it through the air smoothing imaginary timber sitting on an imaginary bench just outside my office.
The women in the office see all of this, but most don’t get involved with my gift. But every guy tells me how beautiful it is, and they tell me how lucky I am to have a wife like Gail.
Beautiful tools unexpectedly delivered to you at work so that all of your friends can see how much your wife loves you. That’s what flowers are.
(Ignore the fact that Lie-Nielsen Jointer Planes don’t rust and disintegrate over the course of 8 days… it will destroy the analogy and drag you back to the reality of expensive dead flowers and realistic gifts from your wife…like new socks.)










